I have a couple of pet peeves about online life. Well, actually several of them. Some I've described before. But there are always new ones on the horizon.

1. Why is it that the guys with the biggest dicks are all bottoms? What's up with that? What a waste.

2. You're not a "cub" if you're over 30. I'm sorry, that's just the way it is.

3. You're definitely not a "boy," or worse, "boi," if you're over 30. Hell, I think 25 may be the cutoff for that one.

4. They say 60 is the new 30, but that doesn't count if you're trying to hook up with me.

5. If you're so closeted that you can't put a face pic on your profile, get offline. There are other places for you. They're called adult book stores and airport men's rooms.

6. If you're trying to entice me with a picture of you jacking off your huge eight inch cock, be sure to clean your fingernails. God, that is such a turn off.

7. I love it when guys say something like "good answer" when I say "no, I don't bareback." Something tells me I would have gotten the same response if I said "yeah I love taking huge loads every night."

8. The fifteen pictures of you on all fours with your ass in the air belies your insistence that you're "versatile."

9. Don't say in your profile how happy you are in your relationship. And how much you love your partner. And you're not looking for anything but friendship. And, "oh by the way, here's a pic of my gaping, freshly fucked hole."

10. If you're 75, and say you like to have fun with older guys, you should just jack off.