Well I wondered how long it would take for someone to make some gay connection with the Virginia Tech shooter. So I was in the checkout at Randall's tonight and saw some rag called "Globe," And the headline was about some gay secret of Cho Seung Hui. Had I plopped down a couple of bucks to buy that rag I would have found out the truth. What really made him go on his shooting rampage. Well honestly, I had to set my curiosity aside because I would be too embarrassed to be seen buying or reading that rag.

Why do you care you ask? Because the average IQ for the readership of those kinds of rags is probably somewhere around 30. The same as the popularity of our current White House resident. And they don't realize this is just trash. That's why I care. These are the people who would read something like the Onion, and not recognize satire. And there are a sizable number of these idiots I'm ashamed to say.

Oh, by the way, completely off the topic, but did you read how Fox News quoted facts from an Onion-like satirical paper? It was in the news last night. So much for their journalistic integrity, not that they had any to begin with.

So, anyway back to the topic at hand. It bothers me that anytime someone does something weird or heinous, someone always tries to make some gay connection. Like we're all some demented would-be serial killers just waiting to hatch.

We are making some progress though. At least these people are usually portrayed as some heavily closeted guy, who is tormented by a sexuality he is not comfortable with. Which is a nice segue to my point.

Unfortunately there are still heavily closeted guys who are tormented by their sexuality. I've met a few of them. They are usually brainwashed by family or church or whatever into believing that being gay is this horrible thing. Think Heath Ledger in Brokeback Mountain. At best, these guys get married and have kids and lead some phony life in which they are miserable, and at worst they damage themselves through things like drug use, promiscuous sex, etc etc. And yes, sometimes they do turn into serial killers. Think Jeffrey Dahmer.

Wouldn't it be a much better world for us if gays and lesbians were thought of as average? Nothing to write home about? And how is that going to happen? Get out there and mingle with the breeders. Let them know you're gay. I'm not saying wear a leather harness and buttless chaps to work. Just show them by your life that your life is nothing much different than theirs. Except you have a lot more disposable income, take fabulous trips, have a wonderful loft, and great clothes.

Think about that next time Coming Out Day comes around.

A million people protest religion's influence on government

You may have caught this in the news this weekend. If you didn't, guess which nation had over a million citizens on the streets protesting, what they believed to be, increasing religious influence over the government. It wasn't the United States, the supposed bastion of separation of church and state. It was Turkey. A Muslim country that was founded as a completely secular state. This weekend, over a million Turks hit the streets in Istanbul. They are concerned because the prime contender for the job of president of Turkey is a guy who is an Islamic fundamentalist. The average Turk on the street does not want the country turned over to religious kooks. One 67 year old woman, when interviewed, stated "we don't want covered women in the presidential palace," an apparent reference to the potential president's wife, who covers up as a traditional woman Muslim would. "We want modern, civilized people there," was another comment by the same woman.

I think it's funny that here's a country full of Muslims who are proud of their secular heritage and don't want it interfered with. Where are Americans on this issue???? Right wing religious nuts are influencing over government as never before. And no one raises a voice. Why? Are we that lazy or indifferent that we don't care that one of the founding principles of our Republic is being eroded more and more each year?

Turkey is a nation of 70 million people, which is less than a quarter of our 300 million. If the same percentage of our citizens turned out in protest for anything that would mean more than 4 million people would be in the streets. Imagine what would be accomplished if we showed the same interest in what our government was up to as the Turks.

Once again, I find myself saying "the US is the only country is the civilized world to ___________." I really wonder if we have lost our right to be considered a civilized, progressive society. On so many issues, from capital punishment to drug laws to gay rights and yes, even religious influence on the government, the United States finds itself the odd man out in the world. Other countries are scared shitless of us because religion has such a strong hold on our government. I was reading recently that some people are concerned the fundamentalist crowd in Washington is trying to hasten the second coming of Christ. People like that have no place in power in our country.

Off the top of your head, think of the nations where religion plays a significant role in policy. I can think of Iran, Syria, Egypt, all of those "stans", Indonesia, Malaysia, and the United States.

There's an old saying that one is known by the company one keeps. And I hate to say it, but I'm not very proud of the company we keep on many issues.

can you be friends with your ex?

I came across this forum today. The topic was "can you be friends with your ex?" There were quite a few answers. I would say it was pretty close to being evenly split, but leaning toward the "I hate my ex" side. Lots of venom in the answers I read. Obviously, there are a lot of bitter queens out there. More bitter than me, and I thought I was pretty bad. One of the funniest answers, which made me laugh my ass off was "Sure I can be friends with my ex. I'm also quite friendly with my axe."

YAY FOR THE WEEKEND!!!!!

The weekend is here......THANK GOD! I need some serious drunken revelry to get over this week.

All gay men have track lighting. And all gay men are named Mark, Rick, or Steve....or Chris??????

What is it with the name Chris? Is that the new gay name? I didn't get the memo. It just occurred to me this week that everyone I know named Chris is gay. I met another one this week, and as I was putting his number in my phone I realized I had seven other Chris's in my address book, and every single one is gay. Let's see, I have two Chris's in San Francisco. One is in the east bay and the other is in the city. I also have a Chris in Austin. Another Chris in Philadelphia. Another one of my Chris's is in Dallas. I had two Chris's in Houston, and now I just added a third.

What's the deal? I was reminded of one of my favorite scenes from one of my favorite movies....Steel Magnolias.....where they were discussing how to tell if a man was gay or not. And it was such a simple answer. "All gay men have track lighting. And all gay men are named Mark, Rick, or Steve." Maybe they should add Chris to the list.

You Did Not Do That!!!

So I'm watching Ugly Betty tonight and I couldn't believe the screw up I saw. Please God, tell me why, if Ugly Betty is set in New York, they showed video of the Seattle skyline. They did it a couple of different times. I wanted to make sure I remembered what the Seattle skyline looked like so I looked it up.


Yeah that's it. That's the skyline I saw. I'm sure that wasn't done on purpose. Come on ABC get your skyline video right.

No Good Deed....

I had what was probably the worst day of my professional life since 1998 yesterday. I don't want to go into details, but basically I was trying to help a guy get paid earlier than he would have been by using an under the radar trick that I sometimes use. Nothing illegal or unethical. Just not within the normal SOP. And it works. Or it did. This guy didn't think things were moving fast enough, so he complained to the wrong people. And it bit me in the ass. That's the Cliff Notes version. Anyway, I spent all day yesterday throwing myself on my sword with HR and trying to reverse what I had done. All because this guy was impatient. And the funny thing is, I had the check in my hand, but had to void it out because he opened his mouth. And not only that, but my little under the radar technique is now definitely on the radar and it's been shot down. No more of that.

I found it so totally appropriate that this happened on a day when I had to go to the dentist and get three fillings replaced. And on top of that, the day started when I received a call that told me a friend of mine was "going to be in jail for the next nine months." Now that's a hell of a way to start the day.
He was accused of embezzling, and he swore up and down he didn't do it.

But those are side issues. This issue with the check yesterday is just one more example of how no good deed goes unpunished. I was trying to help this guy out. And I got fucked in the ass for it.

Why is that? Why is it that every time, and i mean EVERY TIME, I've had some issue come up that caused me big problems, it was always caused by someone that I had bent over backwards to help out. It makes me cynical, and I don't want to be that way. I want to be a nice guy and help people out. But shit like this just takes the wind out of my sails.

No good deed goes unpunished. From now on, it's strictly by the book. Need a day off and don't have the time available? Fuck you, you're out of luck. Take a hit in your paycheck. The gloves are off.

Woe unto you, scribes and Pharisees, hypocrites! for ye are like unto whited sepulchres

Here's the latest bullshit out of the Vatican:

VATICAN CITY (Reuters) - The Vatican's second-highest ranking doctrinal official on Monday forcefully branded homosexual marriage an evil and denounced abortion and euthanasia as forms of "terrorism with a human face." The attack by Archbishop Angelo Amato, secretary of the Congregation for the Doctrine of the Faith, was the latest in a string of speeches made by either Pope Benedict or other Vatican officials as Italy considers giving more rights to gays.

He listed these as abortion clinics, which he called "slaughterhouses of human beings," euthanasia, and "parliaments of so-called civilized nations where laws contrary to the nature of the human being are being promulgated, such as the approval of marriage between people of the same sex ..."

Well first of all, I love being equated with such wonderful things as euthanasia. That made my day. And secondly, isn't it interesting that an organization that is so fucking concerned about procreation (pun intended) and marriage doesn't allow it among its own clergy?????? How fucking hypocritical.

The Catholic Church has been the biggest barrier to progress in the western world for the last 2,000 years. Imagine how advanced we would be today if the Catholic Church hadn't tried to stop every step of human progress along the way. They don't care about following Christ. All they care about is staying in power. That's what it's all about.

Hey Vatican, here's an idea. If you really want to be a force for Christ in this world, do what Jesus told the rich man to do when he asked how he could get into Heaven. Sell your possessions, give to the poor, and follow him!

The World's 3 Biggest Lies

1. "The check's in the mail"
2. "I gave at the office"
3. "I'm only here for chat"

I was perusing the ads on bear411 tonight, and I was absolutely astounded at the number of ads that read something like this: "I met the man of my dreams. I love him more than anything in the world. I would never cheat on him. I'm only here to chat."

Yeah right. "And oh by the way, here's a picture of my big gaping freshly fucked hole."

I'm not judging lifestyle choices when it comes to relationships. I know different scenarios work for different people. But I do know this: If you want to have a truly monogamous relationship, the odds of being successful at that rapidly diminish when you and/or your partner post on sex web sites.

And let's not kid ourselves. Bear411, biggercity, silverdaddies, ad nauseam, are nothing but hook up sites. To say that they are anything but that means you are either crazy, lying, or completely naive.

It always amazes me how gay couples will put themselves right smack dab in the middle of temptation. When the devil tempted Eve, he had to go looking for her, and talk her into sinning. If it had been Adam and Steve in the garden, Steve would have walked by the tree, and without any prompting at all, said "oh what a pretty fruit" and grabbed it and eaten it immediately. Then he would have taken it to Adam, who would have immediately eaten the fruit. And then they would have run off looking for a three-way.

Those of us in the gay community don't need a devil to tempt us. We do just fine putting ourselves in harms way. It always seems like we are more prone to unhealthy choices, whether it be smoking, heavy drinking, burning the candle at both ends, unsafe sex, etc. We're also good at making unhealthy choices in our relationships. We jump into them too fast, we start undermining them, and then we break up. And yes, I'm including myself in this tirade.

There are many different types of gay relationships, from open to closed and everything in between. But, if monogamy is your goal, stay away from the bear websites, please. I was having this discussion with a friend of mine the other day. I told him that the next time I get into a relationship I'm getting rid of all my profiles on all the websites. But then I hedged and said, well maybe I should keep Bear411 to chat with friends. And you know what he said? "Isn't that what Yahoo Messenger is for?" And, you know, he was absolutely right.

So I say to all my monogamous couple friends: get your ass off the computer, thank the good Lord you have what the rest of us are looking for, and go love your man. Your relationship will thank you.

I heard the corniest, yet funniest, one liner today. I'm sure it had to come from Rodney Dangerfield. But whether it did or not, I post it here as an homage to him, the king of one liners.

A man brings home a beautiful bouquet of roses for his wife.

Wife: "Well, I suppose this means I'll have to spread my legs."

Husband: "What, you don't have a vase?"

Desperate Housewives

I love the show, but the did something last night that totally drove me crazy. The show starts with a citywide blackout. And then everyone is running around looking for flashlights and candles. Well at one point they show the old woman, I forget her name, and she's talking on a cordless phone. Hold it! Maybe I'm out of the loop, but I've never seen a cordless phone that would work if the power is out. It's little things like that that drive me crazy!

Time To Put On A Happy Face

Ok, time to put on a happy face. It's a new week and I need to be in a better mood. I had a really horrible week last week. I had work shit stressing me out. I had personal shit stressing me out. I haven't been laid in a couple of weeks, and that's REALLY stressing me out. I went to Austin, and it sucked, and that stressed me out. I think maybe I need a vacation. Haven't taken a real one in quite some time. Anyone have any ideas?

Got back from Austin today. What can I say? Yet another wasted weekend in the state's capital. What is it about Austin that makes me go back there even though I never have a good time? Every time, I'm willing to give Austin one more shot. I want to be the optimist. And every time Austin treats me like Lucy pulling the football away from Charlie Brown.

Is it possible that Austin just doesn't like me? How can that be? I'm a Liberal just like you Austin. I love your weirdness, and your uniqueness, and your cutesy little restaurants like Kerbey Lane and Threadgill's.

Part of it was my fault. I went to Austin to just get away for the weekend, but instead I just went down memory lane about someone I want to forget. I ate at our favorite hamburger joint. I drove by where he used to live. And I cried.

So, I guess I'm going to have to write you off Austin. You're no good for me. I'll have to find some other little weekend getaway. Because it sure ain't working with you. Maybe I'll give San Antonio a try next time.

HAPPY 4/20 EVERYONE!!!

Well it's time for my annual rant against the "drug war." I don't understand why we are wasting billions of dollars on a "war" we can't win. All we're doing is creating drug cartel billionaires. I have a real problem with the government telling people what kind of substance they can use. Using drugs is not the most healthy choice, to be sure. But, if drugs are illegal because they're unhealthy, then let's take this to its logical conclusion. That cigarette you're puffing? That will be 3 years in jail if you get caught. How about that Big Mac? And alcohol? Oh, I forgot, they tried that once already and we know how that ended.

Now, before you get the idea that I'm typing this while I'm smoking a crack pipe and shooting heroin, I want to make it clear that I don't approve the use of drugs, with one exception. I just don't think it's the government's business if someone wants to ruin his/her life smoking crack. All the legal hassles in the word couldn't save Whitney Houston from being a skanky crack ho. She had to get tired of it herself, which she apparently has now done. YOU GO GIRL!

But this is 4/20. I don't want to talk about crack, heroin, lsd, crytal meth, etc. Those are all terrible drugs, especially tina, and I would always discourage someone from trying any of them. What I don't understand is our government's obsession with marijuana. I don't consider marijuana a "drug" in the same sense as the ones listed above. All of those drugs are manufactured in some way. Mary Jane grows naturally. God put it here for a reason. Hell you could have some growing in your back yard right now.

We used to be much more enlightened about these things. When I was in college reefer was freely smoked in the dorms, with the use of a wet towel at the bottom of the door. Many cities had decriminalized pot use. Hell, when I was a student in Ann Arbor, one could get high just walking down the drag from all the pot smoke coming out of the bars. It was a $5 fine, if the cops even bothered to write you a ticket at all. I read somewhere recently that when Richard Nixon was president, over 75% of the drug budget went to treatment of drug addicts.

But somewhere along the way, that all changed. Today, most of the government's drug budget is spent on enforcement, throwing people in jail. Marijuana became this terrible drug. They couldn't pin anything bad specifically on pot, so they had to call it a "gateway drug." Bullshit it is. No one I know who uses pot has ever had a sudden urge to become a crack ho.

Every other country in the civilized world treats drug use as a medical problem. Treatment is the option for drug addicts, not jail. Personal use of marijuana is usually not a crime at all, or a small fine at most.

You know, it just occurred to me that I use that "every other civilized country" a lot. It makes me wonder if I should even consider the United States a civilized country anymore. Our drug laws are more in tune with countries like Indonesia and Pakistan than they are with Europe.
Of course, so are our capital punishment laws and many others.

I haven't even mentioned the medicinal benefits of marijuana, which our government denies as strongly as they deny UFO's or that there was more than one shooter in Dallas. And the ultimate proof of their lies and hypocrisy is the fact that there are American citizens receiving free marijuana cigarettes from the government TODAY. Yes there are. In the 1970's there was a medical marijuana project sponsored by the US government. The government grew weed, harvested it, and gave it to patients whose conditions could be helped only by marijuana. The government decided that marijuana was bad, but the program is still in place for those who were already in it. I saw a documentary on this a few months ago. They interviewed a guy who gets tumors all over his body. He has to smoke something like 15 doobies a day. And they're supplied free BY THE GOVERNMENT. And it's perfectly legal for him to smoke. In fact, they interviewed him on the steps of the capitol building in Washington, while he was smoking a doobie.

We KNOW there a medical benefits to marijuana, and the government refuses to acknowledge it. Could it be they are in the back pockets of the pharmaceutical industry? I think so. We know marijuana helps glaucoma, and wasting from AIDS, among other things. Hell, just last week i saw a news article that said they just discovered that people who smoke pot are less likely to develop Alzheimer's in later life. Something about the THC interfering with the plaque that forms in the brain. Well I guess I can strike that disease of my list of things to worry about :) Hell, pass me the doobie!

And I Was In Such A Good Mood.......

I was in such a good mood tonight. It was a beautiful day, followed by a beautiful evening. I was looking forward to the weekend, and planning to take tomorrow afternoon off. I was going to hang out with some friends in Montrose tonight. I grabbed some Wendy's on my way home from work. I watched Ugly Betty. God I love that show. I laughed my ass off. Vanessa Williams IS that show to me. She plays the bitch queen to the hilt. I love the expressions she makes with her eyes. It's so campy. I was about to hop in the shower and head down to Montrose. But before that I was chatting on yahoo with a couple of friends. And then it happened. I fucking walked into a whole load of drama that I didn't need. Stuff of a personal nature that I won't discuss here. I had to get offline. I couldn't take it. And then I cried. By then it was too late to meet my friends, and I wasn't in the mood anyway. So I guess I'll make a peanut butter sandwich and pour myself a glass of milk and watch a little tv.

April 19, 2007

God it is a gorgeous day today. Sunny. High today is supposed to be in the low 80's. This is the kind of weather that makes me feel great.

Had an enjoyable evening last night. Went to Onion Creek for steak night with some friends.

I really enjoy eating there. They do steak night on Wednesdays. You get a rib eye and a baked potato for $13.00. It's a pretty good deal. The food is great. Nothing beats sitting out on the patio on a warm night like last night.

The downside is the service. It kind of sucks. It seems like they have one waitress for all the customers, so you can wait a long time to get waited on. And you have to go inside to get your drinks. And you have to pay for them separately. So that part sucks, but all in all it's a good experience. The food and the atmosphere can't be beat.

Fry The Bastard

I have always strongly opposed the death penalty, except in cases of animal cruelty. In those cases, I say fry the bastard.

Animals generally have no way to fend for themselves, especially domesticated animals. And domesticated animals give us nothing but love and trust. So the story i read about this asshole sickens me.

There's a story out of the Twin Cities about an asshole who took the therapy dog of an ex-girlfriend, decapitated it, and sent the head back to the girl. He did it because he was jealous because she was seeing someone else. Now he claims he didn't do the deed, but admits he was present at it. Like that somehow makes it any better.

The story had a picture of the guy. He is the biggest piece of white trash shit I have ever seen. I'm not going to post it here because he is so sickeningly trashy he turns my stomach. If you want to see him, and read all the gory details, you can find the story here:

http://www.thesmokinggun.com/archive/years/2007/0323072dog1.html

And, to make matters worse, he is 24 and his ex-girlfriend is 17.

So anyway, I say fry the bastard. I would gladly hit the button to send the juice into his veins. Unfortunately, he'll get off with some small jail term, which will probably be reduced to probation. We just don't value the lives and feelings of our animals in this country.

What a pity.

It Was All A Dream

I had the dream again last night. My old friend. The dream I have had once or twice a month for the last 20-something years. The details are not exactly the same, but it's the same general plot. It involves me being a passenger on an airliner. And the airliner is in some kind of peril. Sometimes we're lifting off and can't achieve any altitude. We usually clip something like power lines. More often we're flying at altitude and something is wrong with the plane. It's never clear exactly what is wrong, only that the flight is in jeopardy. It's never one of those falling out of the sky things. The plane doesn't seem to be in immediate danger. But something is wrong. I always wake up before anything really bad happens. But the threat is there, looming over my fellow passengers and me. I sometimes wonder what would happen if I didn't wake up and the dream continued to its conclusion.

When I was a kid I used to have similar recurring dreams. Only in these dreams, I was not a passenger. The plane did crash, always not far from my house. I vividly remember the first time I had one of these dreams. I was about 10 or 11. I was out in the front yard of our house. An American Airlines 727 came screeching nose down out of the sky and exploded on the street a few blocks from my house. I woke up immediately. And a similar dream returned. Not very often, but every now and then. I think my current recurring dream is an extension of that one.

So, I would sure like to know what the hell that means. I know dreams are just random thoughts from the subconscious thrown together while we sleep. But to have a similar dream over and over again must signify something.

It's odd what the human mind is capable of.

There but for the grace of God go I.......

As the horrible news continues to filter out of Virginia Tech, people are asking themselves, why? Why does this sort of thing happen, seemingly more and more? We never had these kinds of problems when I was a kid. What is so different about now?

Well I'm not so sure we didn't have those kinds of problems when I was a kid. I think we had many of the elements which turn school kids into killers. Maybe not all of the elements we have today, but certainly many.

As I watched the news today, and thought back on my own childhood, I couldn't help but think, "that could have been me."

I had a somewhat normal childhood, at first. I was a fairly popular kid. Had friends, etc. But then, as I was preparing to enter Junior High, things changed. First of all, my parents got divorced when I was young. That was almost unthinkable in the Texas of the 1960's. Kids from divorced families were thought of a certain way.

Not only was I the child of divorce, but I also started seeing physical changes in my body that summer before 7th grade. I grew taller. I sprouted hair in strange places. My voice changed. I grew whiskers. And, along with it, a terrible case of acne. Most of my male classmates didn't enter puberty until later, so I was the oddball.

And on top of it all, the kids in my school seemed to sense that I was gay, even though I didn't know it myself at the time.

So, the bottom line is, I had all kinds of wonderful self-esteem things going on. And young kids can be cruel, horribly cruel. I can't say that everyone was cruel, but there were ringleaders. These guys tormented me relentlessly. And, of course, all the other students would acquiesce to the torment, and sometimes join in. I still remember walking into the locker room after gym class, and hearing the girlish screams from the naked guys as they grabbed their towels to cover up their "manhood."

The torment lasted through all three years at Pine Street Junior High. God, it was awful. I was on the lowest rung of the social ladder at the school. The only time I ever got invited to a party was when a guy wanted me to blind date his cousin, who was in from out of town. She turned out to be a fat, ugly, fairly toothless, young lady. That was a fun evening.

The only person who was as low as I was on the social ladder was another young man in almost the exact same circumstances. He was also from a broken home. He was also a big guy. He also entered puberty fairly early. He had a worse case of acne than I did. And he was thought of as "queer" by most of the campus. One thing he had over me was that he was pretty effeminate too.

So, Tim and I became friends. I kind of liked him. I honestly think the main thing that attracted me to him was that he was the one guy in school I could look down on, at least a little bit. I have never admitted that before to anyone. We started hanging around at each other's houses. Eventually that led to a little "ill show you mine......" That led to jacking each other off. And that led to the inevitable blow jobs. I still remember that day. We decided to give each other blow jobs. We were in my bedroom. He was going to do me first, and then I would reciprocate. Bad move on his part. Once I was done, I started to feel very guilty, and then I backed out. He eventually went home without a blow job, and I turned on him. I KNEW he was queer because he sucked my dick. Jacking off didn't count because, well it didn't. Eventually that news leaked out because I couldn't keep my mouth shut. He sank even lower on the social ladder than he was before, and I could enjoy watching his torment from my lofty perch on what used to be the lowest rung.

My three years in Hell finally came to an end when I finished Junior High and moved to High School. The thing that I feared most actually became my salvation. We were thrown in with different kids from other schools. My acne started to go away, about the time some of the other kids' acne hit its peak (one of life's little ironies I guess). I wasn't wildly popular, but I wasn't despised either, and that was a step up, Then, I got my first job in radio when I was a sophomore, and I suddenly became cool.

When I got to college, I really came out of my shell. I had lots of friends. Joined the Lambda Chi Fraternity, and generally had a good time. Too much of a good time, I'm afraid, as my GPA was average, at best.

And all the bad stuff was behind me. But was it? Every time we have some school shooting, I think of that lonely little fat kid with acne, who was tormented daily by his classmates. And I wonder why I didn't turn out like those kids that shot up Columbine.

You see, I know from experience that kids can be very cruel. And I also know that they can act one way amongst their peers, and then act a completely different way around adults. I quit the youth choir at my church because the pastor's son and his little gang of thugs tormented me. We went on a choir trip to Dallas one time, and they cornered me on a balcony on the 9th floor of the hotel, and threatened to throw me over. I complained to the choir leader but nothing was done. So I quit the choir. I also quit going to church at all.

When I was young, I was filled with hate. But, unlike the current crop of school killers, my hatred wasn't directed at the entire student body. There were a few select people who warranted that. I can still remember how I would plot to inflict horrible deaths on them. One in particular was a guy named David Lewis. Oh David, you have no idea what a grisly death was in store for you. Of course David's mother was good friends with my mom, and I always heard "what a sweet young man David is." He may have been sweet, but nothing would have made me happier than seeing him lying dissected while he was still alive on the table. In my mind, that was what I had in store for him. And then there was the pastor's kid. Oh man, you were lucky your dad got transferred to another church. And the guy, I can't remember his name, who threw a rock at me while I was walking to class. It was a fairly large rock, and I can still remember it shooting by, inches from my ear. Had I changed course, only a few inches, I would probably have been severely injured.

Once I became an adult, I had the opportunity to talk with others about their experiences. And I realized that most kids are dealing with a host of issues at that age. Some are worse off than others, but even the most glamorous beauty queen on campus probably has something going on inside her head.

The point of all this is: there are thousands and thousands of potential killers growing up in the schools today. We're lucky that all the elements only seem to come together for a handful of those kids. But most, if not all, have at least some of the elements brewing inside them.

There but for the grace of God go all of us.

What Is Wrong With US??????

Once again, we are faced with yet another public horror. The shootings at Virginia Tech today is another example that we live in a society that is sick in its soul.

What would prompt a student to pick up a gun and kill 30 fellow classmates? Why does this seem to be a particularly American phenomena? You don't hear much about these kinds of things in other countries. In fact, the 30 students killed today almost matches the murder rate in the entire nation of Canada for last year.

Of course, now we will see another round of fear-mongering, and another round of trying to take away rights to make us "safe."

It saddens me that we seem to live in such a violent culture. I don't know why. I wish I did.

Saturday Night

It's been a lazy weekend so far. Last night was nearly perfect weather for my taste. It was warm and sultry. That's great looking for sex weather. It makes me horny. The only problem was it was raining off and on.

Went to the Ripcord and it was pretty dead because of the rain. The Mine was as well.

Hooked up with a buddy of mine. This morning we went to breakfast, and got haircuts, and took Buster to the dog park. It was so fucking cold though. Last night it was 76 at midnight. This morning when we woke up it was 58. And windy. So it was the kind of day to stay inside as much as possible.

Going out again tonight.

Hopefully the weather will be nicer tomorrow.

Who Am I?

Well, first of all, I'm GAY. That's G-A-Y. Otherwise known as homosexual, queer, fagela, poofter, and many other derogatory names.

Why do I put gay at the top of the list? Because being gay is the thing that defines me the most. I really get put off by guys who say things like "being gay doesn't define me" or "being gay is a small part of my life." Bullshit. Being gay is the single most important thing you deal with in your life. How you handle being gay determines your entire existence. It's the difference between being a middle aged married man with kids who hangs out in the adult bookstores for glory hole action, or someone who's completely comfortable with himself.

I am completely and totally out of the closet. I am out at work. I am out to my family. I am out to my friends. I don't give a shit who knows I'm gay. And I dare anyone to call me queer to my face.

I am also a "bear." For those who don't know, "bear" is a sub-group in the gay community. It consists of larger, hairy guys. Guys who look like bears. I'm also a "daddy bear," because I'm middle aged. Old enough to be your daddy.

Bears break the rules in the gay community. One doesn't have to be young, slim, and beautiful to fit in as a bear. In fact, guys that are young, slim, and beautiful are frequently looked down upon.

One of the nice things about being a bear is you get more attractive as you get older. You don't lose your appeal at 25 like those South Beach twink boys. I've found that I'm much more appealing to guys the older I get.


So basically, since I'm an older big guy I have everything going against me in the gay world, right? WRONG. I understand that I may not be everyone's idea of hottness, but in the bear community I'm a pretty good catch. I have nothing to be ashamed of. I hold my head high.

a journey of a thousand miles begins with the first step -- Confucius

Well, here's to new beginnings. For some time, I've had a blog on Yahoo 360. But I didn't feel it was very user friendly. And I was concerned that my posts could sometimes be a little too radical for the Yahoo audience.

So, I've been searching around for a new blogsite. One in which I could more comfortable being myself, and not hold back.

This year of 2007 has been a year of new beginnings for me. On a personal level, my relationship of 3 1/2 years ended in the later part of 2006. I spent the obligatory time grieving, and now I'm ready to move on.

On a professional level, I've taken on a new job with my company. I was the manager of our Houston operations, and now I am over our San Francisco operations as well. I'm still based in Houston. Maybe someday I'll move to San Francisco, but not now. In the meantime, it means lots and lots of travel. It's kind of like living in San Francisco without actually living there. And there are far worse places to be.

I've made a new friend. Unfortunately, he doesn't live here. But we talk everyday. He is an avid reader of my blog. And, in many ways, he is my muse. Many times I am writing for him.

So, after a few years that have been less than great, I'm ready to move on and get back to enjoying life. And hopefully share some of it on this new blog. I will rant and rave sometimes. Sometimes I will just talk about my day. Sometimes I will delve into something sexy. Hell, I've even given recipes on the blog. My life, and my blog, is a hodgepodge of different emotions, places, people, etc.

So, in the words of the great Bette Davis, "fasten your seat belts, it's going to be a bumpy night."