Fresno! Oh No!

There's a reason it's called Fresno, and not Fresyes. And I discovered that reason this weekend. I don't usually get into city bashing here, but after the night I spent in Fresno, I feel it's deserved.

I was looking for something to do this weekend, and the bear club down there was having a small bear event. So I decided to go exploring and check it out. Should have stayed in San Francisco. That's a night that I'll never get back.

The ride down was horrendous. If you MUST go to Fresno, don't believe Mapquest. It told me to take the 580 to the 205, and then go down 99. That took me through one city after another full of Saturday shopping mall goers and road construction. Added a full hour to my expected trip time. If you MUST go to Fresno, take the 5 down to 152, then take 152 to 99. That's a much better trip.

So anyway, I was already in a somewhat surly mood because of all the delays on the road. Then I pulled off the freeway to go to my hotel. The gang graffiti along the buildings in the area didn't inspire confidence in my surroundings. The hotel was ok. Nice, clean room. My only complaint was the door to my room was about 10 feet from the freeway entrance ramp. It was pretty noisy. At one point I thought we were having an earthquake when the room started to rumble and shake. But then I realized it was merely an 18-wheeler cranking it up to get on the freeway.

I don't really want to get into the bear club events but I didn't have the greatest time in the world. One would have thought that people would have been more friendly to a stranger in their midst. But they weren't. The San Francisco boys are much friendlier and welcoming than what I felt in Fresno.

The bear/leather bar there has a unique anti-DUI device. It's called "let's have one bartender working a crowd of 200 guys." It takes so long to get a drink there, you'll never get drunk.

By about 10PM, I was thinking to myself that this night was going to be a dud, and if I left then, I could be back home by 1AM, But I wanted to give it a chance, so I stayed. By midnight I was clicking my heels together and saying to myself "there's no place like home." But it didn't work. I was still in Fresno.

As far as the city goes, I was completely underwhelmed, at least by the parts I saw. Nothing interesting. For a city of 485,000 it was pretty uninspiring. As Gertrude Stein said of Oakland, "there's no there there." That's exactly how I felt about Fresno.

As I was leaving this morning, I crossed the Fresno River. As I looked at it, I realized how appropriate it is to be called the Fresno River. There was no water in it. Just a dry, empty, dusty, trench in the earth. What a perfect metaphor for the city that is called by its name.